Me in my body

Well I was given this as a task to do. Write about how it is to be me in my body.
I have not wanted to do this.
It makes me instantly sad.

I don't know how to do this - changing the way I use food.
I am too muddled. Can't hold a thought. Too reliant.

There is no way anyone can help me because I don't help my self.

Living in my body is sad although I have had happy memories.  It doesn't matter how many people say I am OK. Although on an intellectual level I might know that as a human being that is the truth, on an emotional level I don't feel like that.

I am going on holiday to France on Sunday.  I am looking forward to it -  but not in some ways.  I have few clothes that fit me and if I go shopping I can find nothing that looks good, exciting.  I am ugly. I am rubbish.

I don't understand that my lover finds me sexy.  I don't believe it.  I don't understand it. I just think they say it.  I think about all the people I like or love and that how they look has so little impact on how I feel about them.  It is who they are that counts, what they think that interests me.  I sort of don't think I count I think. To me.  Although I do count.  So my thought are so muddled.

This trying to lose weight has been such a failure really with just tiny successes.

I sat down this weekend and planned with my lover what to get for food this week.  I bought it and wrote the plan down.  This is quite a step. I don't get pleasure from this type of planning.  But I did it.  It was a little bit exciting!
It worked for one day.
Just one day.
I found a way to fail.
It makes me cry what I have done with the plan already.  Howl really - with anger and sadness, and failure with myself.

It seems I can't do it.  Won't do it.  Am I too spoilt and just do what I want.  Is there another person inside me that does one thing almost without the other side knowing.

I don't understand it.

But failing all the time is just a huge drain and makes things worse and so it's hard to write this down.

I can't do this.  I want someone else to do it for me.  Even though I know no one can.
Writing this crouched over a computer I have just looked down.  On the wooden floor is actually a puddle where I have cried writing this.  It's crazy to be like this.

I am tired of trying. Failing. Not knowing how to change things. Not willing to change. Just staying where I am getting bigger and bigger.
Exhausted with it.
But still not changing.

I am a lucky person.  I have had so much in life. I don't know why I can't do this.

What is it like to live in my body?
Old, tough, fat, ugly.
Lucky, strong.
Capable. Useless.