Polymyalgia - Winning

It's been a while and a lot has happened.  Some of it so sad. It astonishes me when despite the saddest happenings the world still turns.  I have less idea of what life "is".  Is it even something?  I make sense to me as I write even if I don't understand.  I hope that makes sense to you.

My polymyalgia. Or this polymyalgia. Or this mystery polymyalgia. This disease polymyalgia.  But what is the definition of a disease? Do I qualify?
Anyway it is one to me.  A mysterious disease.

For a while I thought it was going,  just as all the experts say.  But then back it came.

BUT I am holding at 2mg of steroids.  It does not control the pain and stiffness but it is bearable.

The goods news I have found that swimming seems to relive it.  Even if stiff and sore I feel better and looser afterwards.  Quite chipper in fact

I am cycling regularly and in one week will be cycling with Sian, Vicky and Ali the Cycletta 42k bike ride.  I have regularly gone for bike rides and am now back to confident, much fitter, and even occasionally exhilarated.

The Weymouth big swim completed Sian and I have ginned up for the Big Yin monster swim in Loch Ness next year.

My weight. Yes we'll.  some successes.
I am 7 pounds lighter.  I feel better for this.

Sophie - Anorexia

I love the music of Eleanor McEvoy an Irish song writer.  I was downloading a favourite from itunes and came across this one.

Sophie. 

Its a beautiful song about a girl with anorexia.  I thought  I would add it to my blog.

I found this link as well. An article in the  Guardian about the song.




Besides writing this song Eleanor really is an extraordinary songwriter and singer.  Her most famous song is "A Woman's Heart" sung with Mary Black.


But she is SO worth a browse through her other songs on itunes/you tube.  Try "I Hear You Breathing In", or "Not Quite Love", "You Will hear better Songs Than This" loads of wonderful songs.

Me in my body

Well I was given this as a task to do. Write about how it is to be me in my body.
I have not wanted to do this.
It makes me instantly sad.

I don't know how to do this - changing the way I use food.
I am too muddled. Can't hold a thought. Too reliant.

There is no way anyone can help me because I don't help my self.

Living in my body is sad although I have had happy memories.  It doesn't matter how many people say I am OK. Although on an intellectual level I might know that as a human being that is the truth, on an emotional level I don't feel like that.

I am going on holiday to France on Sunday.  I am looking forward to it -  but not in some ways.  I have few clothes that fit me and if I go shopping I can find nothing that looks good, exciting.  I am ugly. I am rubbish.

I don't understand that my lover finds me sexy.  I don't believe it.  I don't understand it. I just think they say it.  I think about all the people I like or love and that how they look has so little impact on how I feel about them.  It is who they are that counts, what they think that interests me.  I sort of don't think I count I think. To me.  Although I do count.  So my thought are so muddled.

This trying to lose weight has been such a failure really with just tiny successes.

I sat down this weekend and planned with my lover what to get for food this week.  I bought it and wrote the plan down.  This is quite a step. I don't get pleasure from this type of planning.  But I did it.  It was a little bit exciting!
It worked for one day.
Just one day.
I found a way to fail.
It makes me cry what I have done with the plan already.  Howl really - with anger and sadness, and failure with myself.

It seems I can't do it.  Won't do it.  Am I too spoilt and just do what I want.  Is there another person inside me that does one thing almost without the other side knowing.

I don't understand it.

But failing all the time is just a huge drain and makes things worse and so it's hard to write this down.

I can't do this.  I want someone else to do it for me.  Even though I know no one can.
Writing this crouched over a computer I have just looked down.  On the wooden floor is actually a puddle where I have cried writing this.  It's crazy to be like this.

I am tired of trying. Failing. Not knowing how to change things. Not willing to change. Just staying where I am getting bigger and bigger.
Exhausted with it.
But still not changing.

I am a lucky person.  I have had so much in life. I don't know why I can't do this.

What is it like to live in my body?
Old, tough, fat, ugly.
Lucky, strong.
Capable. Useless.

How am I doing?

Well once again mixed reviews!

I am finding it easier to keep up exercise.
I think this is because I have the Weymouth swim and the 40k bike ride booked.

Today I left work earlier than normal to make sure i could fit in a 40 minute bike ride around Willen lake. This is healthier just because I left work at a reasonable time let alone the bike ride :-)

I also rode for 20 minutes on Monday and tomorrow morning before work I am swimming.  So the exercise is coming along.


Polymyalgia - another milestone.  Today I have reduced the dose of steroids again to 3.5 m.  My target for the next meeting with the consultant is 2m.  Then to be off them completely for the following visit.


Eating success today
reasonable proportion of cornflakes
Just sarnie for lunch - resisted the crisps
BUT ginger cake at work - two slices - emotions - buzzing, excited, adrenalin

The evening following the bike ride.
Emotions
Excited
Pleased with myself
adrenalin still from work (good day)

Little food in house as decorators here so no kitchen facilities and they had drunk all milk so cornflakes out!
So ate tin of tuna.
Then went to marks and had roll, crisps and tiny Malteser bar.


Bought good choice of food for tomorrow.
Home alone so this may have impacted how I ate.

I am having mixed success.  I fell much better but no big consistent shift really.
Disappointing.

Sunday at Vicky's

Had healthy brunch.
Toast, bacon, mushrooms, egg and tomatoes all grilled.

Then three wine gums on car trip (success- just three)
Apple (success as peckish)
Three more wine gums on the return trip.(sort of success when measured against previous behaviour)

Sandwich afternoon, Brown bread, ham, tomatoes and basil.
choc mint x 2

Shared some crisps in a bowl with Vicky.

Evening meal
Scrummy low cal goulash with cabbage and peas. Success
Turned down yorkshire pudding with meal (big success)
BUT had Vicky's leftovers again.  Big no no really. But Vicky did not want it to go to waste and I could not resist.
three fruit pastels while waiting for dinner.
Diet coke.
2 chocy mints for afters.

Was that an OK day.
Lots of good.
But lots of not so good.

But things to cut out:-
Eating Vicky's leftovers.
Chocy mints during the day.
Sweets.  Could cut out availability but not having them around.
Crisps - was not hungry but did not resist when offered them by V.
Exercise:-  Just gardening today.

Was it an OK Healthy Day?

Eating yesterday
Was it an OK day?
Breakfast and through morning - grapes and slices of ham.
Sandwich for brunch, brown bread ham, tomatoes and basil
Diet coke and shared pack of crisps at pub with vicky after walk.
Apple
Low cal gorgeous evening meal (7 o'clock) but had leftover from Vicky.
Shared box of Maltesers with Vicky but I had most and had the biggest last one.  Which says a lot.

Maltesers - I had the biggest last one. Could I change that in the future?

I knew that Vicky had got me treats for after dinner and really wanted to know what they were.  Didn't want to wash up first. Wanted them then.

Today I have asked Vicky to still get me treats but only smaller ones. Like a small bag of Maltesers between us.  I will need Vicky's help.

I know she has minty chocs left from a dinner party.,,,,,,,,,,,I will not tuck in but maybe have two after dinner tonight.

On the walk yesterday I say two Red Admirals - on March 23rd! A beautiful day.  I was in the boggy woodlands of Pirbright.

Well was it an OK healthy day?  I think it was a lovely relaxing day.

I loved the butterflies and the woods.

I won part of the battle at the pub - instead of coffee with cream and a bag of crisps to myself I had diet coke and shared a bag.

I wish I had done a little better with the Maltesers. 

It was an "OK" day.

Is it Time?

Is it?
This is how I feel about myself.
Rubbish about my weight. Rubbish. A failure. Addicted. I will never succeed.
If food is there that I like I want it. Then.
Grapes
Crisps
Bread and butter
Pretzels

I am trying to figure it out.
Crisps, Pretzels -the tangy flavours, smokey bacon, cheese and onion, flame steak, prawn cocktail.
Is there something in the tangy flavours I crave.

I am all over the place.  I want to feel healthy and good about myself.  I suppose I have made some headway.  I am keeping up the swimming and have rode my bike a little.  It is difficult at the moment as I have workmen arriving at 7.30/8am every morning and I don't want to come back and have a shower with them there in my house alone.  But it is always difficult.  Always something.

One other thing I am keeping up.  I am going to Hawkwood to sculpt and  carve.  I am in the middle of a feather at the moment.  I love it and really enjoy it.  The place, the tranquility, the birds, the people.  I want to use my new studio more and work on my other pieces.

Part finished feather carved from Box wood.

That I am dong the Weymouth swim certainly has given me motivation.  A target to work towards.  Maybe it would be good to have more definite targets.

So:-

I swim for Weymouth target and me

I carve for me

Vicky and I have booked a holiday in South of France in April

I am cycling a little

I garden a little

I am much more aware of what I am eating and why

I have steroids down to 4mm a day

Polymyalgia is still improving :-)

I am slowly making improvements - this is a start but not enough.

I want to:-

Look after myself more

Take time to enjoy the things I crave

Eat well. Eat well. Eat well. Eat well. Eat well. Eat well.

For me.